I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
