Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
