Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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