sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
