This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Couch. On fire.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
