what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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