Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
