Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
