There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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