you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
