Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
