I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You had me at "let me see your balls"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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