He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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