someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
