this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
