i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
