Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm gonna fight the coyote
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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