new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
