You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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