don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize