I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
