I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
