So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
