my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
