thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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