we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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