Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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