If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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