Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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