If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
