Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
