Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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