I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
