he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And then my night got REAL pukey
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
