my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize