You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
