Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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