my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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