Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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