I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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