i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
