I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
50% drunk capacity currently
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
