she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
