We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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