i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
