I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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