I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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