Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Sorry about my life...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize