you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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