glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
