god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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