ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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