It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
