I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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