he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
