Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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