sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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