he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
